You Don't Need to be a Hero

I thought I wanted to be a psychotherapist to help others. Turns out, I want to help others the way I wished someone had helped me.

The problem is that I want to help people and defend them. So when I talk to a woman who is being abused, disrespected, or manipulated in a relationship, I get mad. I want to be that Patrick Swayze hero who cleans house and puts the bad guy in his place. 

But me getting worked up doesn't help. If the person telling me about what they are going through feels that I can't handle it, they pull away, and the conversation can end quickly. They need my support, not for me to make it about me.

We do that a lot to victims of domestic violence. We ask what they did to trigger it, or say they should adjust or tolerate a bit more. We ask them to think about his career, the kids, or what others might think. We say it could be worse.

F*** that. Our only reaction should be to support a victim with our whole heart. Let them know they are loved and deserve to be safe. Hear them and believe them.They might not make the choices you think they should and it might take a long time, but you being there shows them what a healthy relationship should be.

I don't have all the answers. I just know this ain't no Hollywood movie. It's my job to do better and stay in the mess with the victim. It's all our jobs to be in it for the long haul with all victims.

And I know I focused on women abused by men in this post. My experience and reaction comes out of that mode, so I am not ignoring other victims. I'm exposing my weakness to educate and strengthen all of us.